Community Service Sucks Ass!
by classicdisney4thewin
Summary: The trio is finally re-united after Allison is released from the hospital! Anyway Kenny and Jessy have ditched school to many times, and now its time to pay! Meanwhile Nica discovers her secret lover and the shy timid Allison admits a crush of her own
1. Allison Returns

**I ONLY OWN OCs**

The first four weeks of living in Colorado went by pretty fast for Nica and Jessica. After the talent show Kyle went to Hollywood which surprisingly turned out to be a dull, lame trip, and Nica is destined to find out who her secret crush is. It was Friday morning when the Nica received some exciting news about their third friend also originally from Lafayette.

"ALLISON IS OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!" she shouted running toward the school building waving her phone in Jessica's face.

"No way! Really? She's been sick for three weeks now!"

"I know! She's in perfect condition now and she's coming back to school today!"

"That's awesome! She's only been in school for like 2 days before she started puking her fucking guts out, what happened anyway?" Jessica asked as the two walked through the hallway.

"The doctors said she ate something contaminated I think"

"Gross! Where do you find something contaminated?"

"Probably inside the fish's jowls!" Nica said cracking up.

"Yeah, I hated that teacher!" (the fish was Allison, Nica, and Jessica's old fourth grade teacher from Lafayette who was a genetically mutated fish with jowls so large she could have a three sum with herself….yes our logic is that crazy…the fish will appear in episode three of our animated series…yeah your probably confused as fuck right now, so anyway…back to the story!)

The girls walked inside the classroom and found Allison talking with Mr. Garrison about all of the work she had missed. She was wearing her usual thick raspberry pink headband with matching gloves and scarf. Her blue jacket was zipped up and pulled tightly around her wrists and she wore her usual black pants and shoes.

"Well it's great to see you're feeling a lot better 'cause for a second there I thought you probably died and went to hell"

"Uh…thanks Mr. Garrison…"

"ALLISON" Jessica and Nica cheered sprinting toward her and hugging her very tightly.

"It's great to see you guys again, but your kinda squeezing my fragile stomach and intestines" she squeaked.

"Haha sorry! Things were just kinda boring without you" Nica said giving her friend some space.

"Probably would have been worse without you." Allison remarked.

"That's kinda true" Jessica agreed.

"Do you still have that card everyone signed for you?" Nica asked.

"Yep" she set her backpack down and pulled out a large colorful folded piece of paper with decorations, comments, and signatures from the entire class.

"I literally got a heart attack when I saw this card and realized this many people cared about me!"

"It was our idea" Jessica stated.

"Yeah and I drew a picture of the Tourettes Guy on the back!"

"I know I saw that!" Allison said smiling. "The three of us our an awesome team!"

"Group hug mothafuckas!" Jessica yelled as the three gave a quick hug.

The bell suddenly rang and the three girls quickly sat down as the rest of the class came in. Mr. Garrison walked to the front of the room.

"Alright class before we begin our history lesson lets welcome back our classmate Allison"

"Who?" Bebe asked.

"We have an Allison in this class?" Milly said looking around.

"I thought she was here this whole time. Either that or she's super quiet" Clyde commented.

"She is super quiet" Kyle said looking annoyed at Clyde.

"Allison is that kind of person who you can remember if she was there or not" said Craig

Butters perked up

"Hey just like me!"

"Shut up Butters you gay faggot!" Cartman yelled

"OH MY GOD! ALLISON WAS THAT GIRL WE ALL WROTE A CARD TO BECAUSE SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL FOR THREE WEEKS BECAUSE SHE ATE SOMETHING CONTAMINATED! HAVE A LITTLE COURTESY PEOPLE!" Nica shouted raising her fists in the air.

The whole class quieted down and sat at their desks frozen.

"Uh, yes…anyway let's welcome her back"

The class quietly clapped as Principal Victoria stated a message on the intercom.

*Kenny McCormick and Jessica Enos to the principal's office. Kenny McCormick and Jessica Enos to the principal's office immediately*

The two glanced at each other and slowly got out of their seats and walked to the principal's office.

"I'm surprised their not holding hands" Nica muttered to Allison.

"What?"

"Didn't you hear? Jess and Kenny are dating now"

"Oh…he's not a second grader?"

Jessica and Kenny walked into the office and took a seat in front of Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey.

"Thank you both for coming. Mr. Mackey and I would like to inform both of you that you have recently been receiving a high amount of tardies and reports of ditching classes, and I'm afraid that you will both be severely punished"

Jessica gulped as Kenny sat there completely bored out of his mind and not paying attention to what was going on.

"Now Jessica and Kenny as your councilor, I advise you to be on time to school more often, m'kay. Being tardy is…is bad, m'kay it's not good to be tardy all the time, because it will involve consequences, m'kay."

"What kind of consequences?" Jessica asked.

"I'm afraid that you two will have no choice but to do *cue dramatic music* community service for the next two weeks"

"WHAT?!" the two kids shouted.

"You will be giving up your weekends and instead do multipule activities for a total of six hours to help with our community" the principal said handing each of them a list activities and times.

"Now you both may enjoy doing some of these activities, m'kay. And you know since your boyfriend and girlfriend you can do these together as a pair, m'kay"

"But I can't do community service Principal Victoria! I promised my friends I would help with our stop-motion series over the weekend!"

"What is Nude Sketching?" Kenny asked showing the list to .

"Oh, you can sketch nude people, m'kay. And really admire the human body and its gracefulness, m'kay. Those sketches are going to be hung up at our own Hell Pass Hospital, so if you like drawing you might want to think about taking that class, m'kay"

"Holy crap it's like playboy magazines coming to life WOO-HOO!" Kenny cheered as he danced around his empty chair.

"Gross I'm not drawing nude people" Jessica exclaimed.

Kenny pointed to the inside description and soon the two kids hollered and cheered as they bolted out of the office and back to their classroom.

"Aww how sweet. Jessica and Kenny both found something they can do together, and help our community at the same time!"

"Yes how touching, m'kay. What was in that description anyway?" Mr. Mackey asked pulling out a sheet of paper and scanning down to the Nude Sketching program.

**Nude Sketching**

**Come to the South Park Art Gallery and sketch nude live male and female models! All drawings will be sent to the Hell Pass Hospital for sick cancer patients!**

**Teacher: Mr. Porter**

**Ages: 10+up**

**Date/Time: September 8, 2012 1:40 p.m.-4:15 p.m.**

**Number: 725-2005-4493**

**WARNING: We will not tolerate intensely perverted children and teenagers for this class will be drawing breasts, vaginas, penises, and testicles**

Mr. Mackey gulped.

"Oh shit".

**Sorry for any errors, stay tuned for the next chspter cuz it gets even WEIRDER!**


	2. Mr Porter Hates Pervs

Jessica and Kenny met at the South Park Art Gallery in the afternoon anxious to draw the nude.

"I never thought art could be so hot!" Kenny cheered as he and Jessica walked inside the classroom. There was a large circle of chairs with a small stage in the center.

"Holy crap! That's probably where the models get to pose! Come on Kenny let's go get a front seat!"

"Woo-hoo!"

The two rushed toward the circle and began bouncing up and down in their seats.

"I feel like a kid in a fucking candy store right now!" Jessica hollered.

"Me too! Community Service kicks ass!"

A tall man with thick square glasses and a small scruffy beard walked into the room with art supplies.

"Oh wow you're here early. Are you here for the nude sketching class? We're going to have live professional models pose today you know"

"Yeah we know" Kenny smirked as Jessica pulled her hood up and began laughing.

"It's so nice to appreciate the art of the human body, I'm really glad kids your age are taking classes like this"

"Fuck yeah…*cough* titties *cough*".

10 minutes later the rest of the class appeared and took their seats in the large circle.

"Kenny, were the only kids here"

"Yeah, so?"

"Don't you think it's kinda…weird"

"No"

"Good afternoon everyone. My name is Mr. Porter and I will be your art teacher."

"Yeah yeah yeah just get to the tits already!" Kenny muttered.

"Today we will have live male and female models and we will be sketching them. So if anyone is uncomfortable with seeing breasts, penises, or whatever, please let me know and I can re-arrange your seat"

Kenny raised his hand.

"Yes little boy in the orange coat?"

"Where exactly will the models be standing?"

"Why? Are you not comfortable seeing genitals?

"No! No! No! I'm just curious is all"

"Well they will be standing right about here." Mr. Porter said standing up on the stage and facing his body toward Kenny's.

"Yep that's perfect!"

"Awesome!" Jessica muttered as her pupils widened.

"Now before we let our models in let's do some practice sketches using contrast and negative space."

"Godammit!" Jessica mumbled.

"Fuck!"

After wasting 20 minutes of drawing bland figures it was finally time to let the models in!

"Alright here is model number one, Anthony!" Mr. Porter announced as a 18 year old walked inside and up on the stage in a long blue bathrobe.

"Awww man!" Kenny yelled slamming his pencil on the floor

"Holy hell he's hot!" Jessica cheered.

"Remember what I've taught you about perspective, shape, and contrast. If anyone needs help or wants to restart on a fresh piece of paper please let me know. You may begin drawing when Anthony takes off his robe, you have about two hours so take as much time as you can and make it look good!"

Anthony unraveled his robe and posed majestically as Jessica's jaw dropped.

"This is fucking ridiculous! I can't draw this!" Kenny complained.

"His dick is like 5 inches long! And he has a six pack!"

"Hey! I'll have you know my penis is 10 inches long and I have a twelve pack!" Kenny yelled.

After the two hours passed Mr. Porter's stopwatch went off and everyone dropped their pencils.

"What does your portrait look like Kenny?"

Her boyfriend sighed as he showed her his blank piece of paper.

"You didn't draw anything for the past two hours?"

"How could I?!"

"Kid do you have a problem?" Mr. Porter asked checking Kenny's work.

"I can't draw this guy's shlong! It's fucking gay!"

"I thought you didn't have a problem with genitals!"

"I don't with girls!"

"This is art young man! Drawing a man's shlong does not make you homosexual unless you masturbate to it!"

"Am I a homosexual?" Jessica asked.

"That's it! I want you two outta my class! I clearly stated no perverts allowed, now out!"  
"But Mr. Porter you haven't even checked my drawing!"  
"All you have on your paper is a large detailed picture of Anthony's dick with hearts and smiley face swarming around it, now out!"

Jessica and Kenny walked out of the gallery.

"Sorry I got us kicked out" Jessica said pulling tightly on her thick sweatshirt. Kenny put his arm around her.

"It's not your fault, were just perverts is all. There has to be another way we can earn that community service, we only got 4 more hours left to go!"


	3. Butters Takes One for the Team

Allison walked up to Nica's apartment and knocked on her door. Her friend answered the door surprised to see her.

"What are you doing here? I thought we were going to your house to work on the stop-motion project."

"Those Mexican cleaners are at my house vacuuming so I thought I might as well spend my Saturday here."

"Sure come on in"

Allison walked inside and the two girls walked upstairs to Nica's room.

"Did you remember to remove your shoes?"

"Oh, right" she said taking her shoes off and placing them by green bed with the tall pink lamp.

"Your room gets smaller each time I come over"

"I know it sucks ass, I hate it!"

"You're lucky you have carpets though. All I have are cold, hard wooden floors, and let's not forget your private loft!" she pointed out as they gazed to the left side of the wall where her 15 foot loft sat. Up inside were plush toys, cushions, fluffy pillows, thick blankets, small curtains, posters of Terrance and Phillip, and Nightmare on Elm Street, and blankets tied around the poles and railing right near the edge that created a neat fort.

"It's cozy as hell up there!" Allison complained.

"Oh! Speaking about the loft there's something I want to show you!" Nica said as she climbed up the built in ladder with Allison tagging behind. She sat down against a large cushion as Nica threw some pillows down and pulled out a giant whiteboard and the bouquet Jimmy had given her after the talent show. On the board were a list of all of the fourth graders. Some names were X'd out.

"What's this all about?"

"Ok remember I told you about the talent show? And how Jimmy gave me these flowers and told me I had a secret admirer?"

"Yeah"

"Well I am determined to find out who it is. So I made a list of all of the guys in our class and crossed out the ones who are obviously not it" she explained.

"Well it's a secret admirer, shouldn't you know keep it a secret?"

"I really don't give a dead moose's last shit. I am going to find out who it is, and no one is gonna stop me!"

Allison looked puzzled.

"Ok so it can't be Token, Stan, or Jimmy because they all have girlfriends unless there cheating on them. It's not Cartman because he is a fucking dickhole. It can't be Craig because every time I try and talk to him he flips me off like an asshole-"

"Why is Timmy crossed off, it could be him?" Allison interrupted.

Nica stared at her for a long time.

"…as I was saying I narrowed down my results to Bradley, Kyle, Clyde, Butters, and Tweek" she said taking out a marker and circling their names.

Allison tugged on her scarf nervously.

"Can I tell you something?" she asked looking at the ground.

"Sure dude."  
"I kinda have a crush on one of those guys"  
"You mean one of the ones I circled? Who?"

Just as she was going to answer the doorbell rang.

"I hope that's Jessie!" Nica said as she quickly climbed down the loft and hurried over to answer the door. To her surprise (again) it was Stan, Kyle, and Butters.

"Oh, hey guys. What are you doing here?"

"Well Cartman is being a dick, Kenny is doing community service, and were all extremely bored. Mind if we hang out with you"  
"Not at all. Were bored as fuck too"

"Who's were?" Kyle asked.

"Oh Allison is here too"

"That perverted girl dating Kenny? But I thought she was doing that community service thing" said Butters rubbing his knuckles together.

"No not her! The one who was in the hospital…who is really shy…and wears a pink headband" Nica explained in an irritated tone.

The boys followed her to her room where Allison was still waiting in the loft.

"Allison! Stan, Kyle, and Butters are here!"

"No Cartman right?"

"No just the three of us" Stan called out as she climbed down.

"Well now that were here, what should we do?" Kyle asked.

"My mom won't be home for until seven so we can be here as long as we want."

"We could go up to your loft" Allison suggested.

"Sure!"

"Well, what the heck is a loft?" Butters asked curiously.

Nica pointed up to the ceiling.

"That up there is a loft"

"Whoa kick-ass!" Kyle exclaimed as the five climbed up and sat down on fluffy pillows and cushions"

"Now what?" Allison asked.

"Well my i-pad is up here, we could watch Terrance and Phillip, or maybe some funny youtube videos…I got it! Let's make a totally bad-ass live action movie! With actual stunts and everything!"

"That's an awesome idea! Let's do it!" Stan cheered.

"Ok, Nica can direct, I can film, Allison can maybe write the script or something, and Stan can be the main actor who does all of the killer stunts!" Kyle planned.

"Sounds awesome!" Nica agreed.

"But wait a minute fellers what can I do?" Butters asked.

"You can be the stunt double" Stan suggested.

"Well what's a stunt devil, is that when famous actor people got to heck or something?"

"Not devil, double", Nica explained "you just test out all of Stan's dangerous actions to make sure that they are safe"

"Ok I can be a stunt double…as long as I don't fall over and get hurt, or else my parents will ground me for sure"  
"Ok, Butters you stay in the loft while the rest of us plan out the movie" Kyle ordered as everyone else climbed down."

"Aww shucks"

About half an hour later the script was finalized, the high tech expensive video camera was ready for filming, all of Stan's lines had been memorized, and the movie was ready to go!

Nica cupped her hands around her mouth and called out to the stunt double.

"Ok Butters, you're going to say Stan's line and as soon as Kyle shakes the camera around and Allison cues the earthquake sound-effect, you're going to jump down from the loft and onto that mattress down below, are you ready?!"

"No!"  
Kyle began the countdown  
"Were rolling in three, two, one, and action!"

Butters stood at the top looking down nervously at the mattress. His mind was completely blank. Stan pointed to the script without making any noise indicating Butters to say his line.

"I'm sorry fellers, what's my line?"

Kyle stopped filming and Nica groaned.

"Your line is HOLY BULL FUCKING HELL I THINK THERES AN EARTHQUAKE ABOUT TO HAPPEN! I GOTTA JUMP BEFORE THE BUILDING COMES DOWN! And then you jump like a pro"

"Well how do I jump like a pro?"

"I don't know just jump and land on the mattress"

"Why do we need to film this anyway?" Allison asked.

"Just for practice I guess" Kyle answered as he restarted the countdown.

"Take two. Were rolling in three, two, one"

"Well holy bull fucking hell I think there is an earthquake about to happen! Oh jeez I gotta jump before the building comes down!"

Allison played a recording of an earthquake sound effect and Kyle shook the camera around. Butters wobbled back and forth knowing he had to jump to avoid the third take. He didn't want to upset them again.

_Oh god! Oh hamburgers Butters what are you doing!_

He quickly shut his eyes, leapt down from the loft screaming, and landed on the mattress foot first causing the cartilage to snap.

"OWW!" he cried.

"That was perfect Butters!" Kyle commented as he stopped the video.

"You guys I think he's hurt!" Allison shrieked.

Butters lay on the mattress moaning.

"Oh my gosh! I think his foot is broken!" Nica hollered rushing toward him. Stan and Allison hurried over as Kyle set the camera down and joined them.

"Butters are you ok?" Stan asked as the group huddled around him.

He continued to moan in pain with his face still stuffed inside the mattress.

"I think his foot is broken what should we do?" Kyle asked worried.

"There's a wagon in the closet downstairs. We can fill it with some of my cushions from the loft and set Butters inside while we pull him to the Hell Pass Hospital which is down the block."

"Sounds good, let's go!" Stan agreed as the group lifted Butters up and carried him downstairs.

"Damn he's light as hell!" Allison commented as they walked downstairs.

20 minutes later Stan, Kyle, Nica, and Allison were outside pulling Butters in the wagon who was still moaning in pain.

"Don't worry Butters, you'll be at the hospital in no time!" Kyle assured him.

_Oh hamburgers I'm gonna be grounded…shit…_

**Sorry for typos lol. What will happen to Butters? Will his parents ground him? Who is Nica's secret admirer and who does Allison have a crush on? What do you think will be Kenny and Jessie's next community service task?**


	4. Mr Mackey is Pissed

Nica, Allison, Stan, and Kyle finally arrived at the hospital with their injured friend. They tugged the wagon inside and to the front desk.

"Welcome to Hell Pass Hospital how may we assist you?" the nurse asked.

"Hi, our friend has a broken ankle", said Stan, "can you x-ray it or something? He's hurt pretty bad"

"Certainly, I just need your parent's authorization"

The group stood their puzzled.

"What?!" Nica complained.

"Well we need a parent or guardian's authorization in order to get your friend x-rayed because it may require surgery"

"No you don't understand! It may not even be broken! Can we please just skip that!" Kyle explained.

"I'm sorry but this hospital requires an approval by a parent or guardian"

"Damnit! Now what?" Nica muttered.

"I think we should tell Butter's parents what happened. It may be the only way" Allison pointed out.

"She's right", Kyle agreed, "Butters get you parents on the phone"

"But fellers I'll get grounded"

"Come on Butters it's the only way, we'll take the blame just call them over here" Nica assured.

Butters slowly reached into his pocket, pulled out his phone, and dialed his home phone number.

"Hello? Butters is that you?"

"Hey dad I'm at the hospital. Apparently I have a broken ankle"

"Oh my god!"

"I know it's hard to believe and all, but…you see we were making a movie and these fellers made me do this stu-"

"BUTTERS JUST WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING AT THE HOSPITAL! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HOME HELPING YOUR MOTHER WASH THE DISHES! WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO SAY FOR YOURSELF MISTER?!"

"I'm sorry dad" Butters said nervously biting his lip, "but you've got to get over here, my foot is hurt real bad!"

"YOU BET YOUR SORRY GROUNDED ASS I NEED TO GET OVER THERE! YOU ARE COMING STRAIGHT HOME DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR YOUNG MAN!"

"Yes sir!"

"GOOD" he shouted as he quickly hung up on his son.

"Ahh jeez I'm in trouble for sure!" Butters said laying back on the soft cushions.

Kyle patted his shoulder.

"You did the right thing. And we'll stay with you until your dad-"

Suddenly Kenny and Jessica rushed out of the elevator and to the front desk excited to see their friends.

"YOU GUYS YOU GOTTA CHECK THIS OUT!" Kenny shouted.

"KENNY AND I DID NUDE SKETCHING A LITTLE BIT AGO FOR THAT COMMUNITY SERVICE THING WHERE THE PORTRAITS GO TO CANCER PATIENTS, AND THEY FRAMED MY PICTURE OF A DICK!"

"What? No way!" Stan hollered as the group immediately ditched Butters and rode the elevator up two floors. When the doors opened Kenny and Jessica sprinted down the hallway until they reached a big glass frame with detailed sketches of nude models, and their at the bottom right hand corner was Jessica's picture of a large cock with hearts and smiley faces all around it.

"No way, you did not Jess!" Nica muttered still gazing at the picture in disbelief.

"I so did"

"That's…that's just wrong!" Allison stammered.

There was a short pause before everyone laughed.

"Just what the hell do you think you two are doing?" shouted a mysterious voice.

The kids turned around to see Mr. Mackey looking very cross.

"I thought you were gonna take art seriously m'kay! I got a call from Mr. Porter saying you two did not take the class seriously and instead goofing off like little FUCKING perverts!"

"Well art just isn't our thing Mr. Mackey." Jessica explained

"Yeah, art fucking sucks balls" Kenny added.

Mr. Mackey walked toward them and leaned his giant head close to their faces.

"You better listen! You've got tomorrow and next weekend to get this done! And if not I will make each of you do community service everyday all during summer break!"

Jessica gasped. Kenny rolled his eyes.

"Big fucking deal, who gives a shit in the community"

"I DO, M'KAY I GIVE A SHIT IN THE THE COMMUNITY! IF YOU DON'T GET THAT COMMUNITY SERVICE DONE I WILL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND BLOW MY FUCKING LOAD DOWN YOUR GODDAMN NECK _**M'KAY?!**_ Mr. Mackey bellowed as he left the hallway and back down the elevator.

The gang stood their frozen.

"Damn Kenny, we better catch up on that community service!"


	5. Shitty City Wok

It was Sunday morning in South Park Colorado, and Kenny and Jessica decided to help deliver Chinese food in the neighborhood at City Wok as a way to earn their community service. They walked inside the restaurant where they were greeted by Tuong Lu Kim.

"Welcome to Shitty Wok, what you want now?"

Kenny walked up to the front and handed him the community service form.

"Oh you here for job?"

Jessica walked up beside Kenny.

"Yeah, were going to deliver your food in the neighborhood for our community service"

"Ahh, yes I see. Well before you begin prace your reft hand across your heart and repeat after me"  
Kenny and Jessica did so as Mr. Kim said something in Chinese.

After repeating the words Mr. Kim grabbed his coat, took out his keys, and began to leave the restaurant.

"Hey wait where are you going?!" Kenny cried as Mr. Kim locked the two children inside.

Kenny banged on the door.

"Why the fuck are you locking us in you son of a bitch?!"

"Ru managah now!"he replied locking the door and walking away.

Kenny stood in front of the door, defeated.

"Kenny, what exactly did have us repeat?"

"I don't know"

"Well we can't just stand here we have to do something"  
"What you mean like sex?"

"What?! No! I'm talking about finding a way out of here and reporting that bastard to the police!"

"Oh, that works to"

"Help me find an exit"

Jessica and Kenny searched around the restaurant to find another door hoping Mr. Kim hadn't locked it.

"Dammit! I can't find any doors!" Jessica reported, "were gonna have to wait until someone notices us"

"That's it Jess! All we have to do is get someone from outside City Wok to see us locked in here! Then they'll have to call the cops!"

"Great idea!"

Kenny and Jessica hurried to the front and began to shout an yell at the pedestrians from outside.

"HEY! HELP US! WERE TRAPPE IN HERE!"

"PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF TITTIES LET US THE FUCK OUT!"

Finally a man walked to the door and tried to open it.

"Darn I guess they're closed" he said turning around.

"NO WAIT YOU HAVE TO HELP US COME BACK!"

"GET BACK HERE DUMBASS WERE TRAPPED!'

Suddenly the man turned around and walked back to the two kids.

"Oh thank god!" Jessica sighed.

"Can I please have some city chicken, city rice, and oh maybe some city-"

"YOU FUCKING DUMBASS, CAN'T YOU SEE WERE TRAPPED! LOCKED US IN HERE AND WE NEED SOMEONE TO CALL THE DAMN POLICE!"  
"…yeah can I have some city asparagus, and some city beans with some soy sause, and can I get this all to-go yeah thanks" the man said stupidly walking away.

Kenny couldn't believe it. He angrily slammed his fists against the glass door.

"NO! NO NO NO NO GOD FUCKING DAMMIT NO!"

"Calm down Kenny, were going to have to wait for help" Jessica said patting his shoulder and gently pulling him away from the door.

"No…I know only one other way out of this"

Kenny walked into the kitchen and Jessica curiously followed.

"Where are you going?"

He ravenously fumbled through drawers and cabinets looking for a sharp object.

"What are you looking for?  
He pulled out a large knife and pointed it to his chest ready to stab himself.

Jessica rushed over trying to pull the weapon away.

"Don't do this Kenny! You have so much to live for!" she said as tears filled her eyes.

He looked at her.

"I know what I've got to do, but I'll get us out" he said as he jabbed the knife into his chest. He gagged and gargled in pain as he collapsed to the ground. His girlfriend gently caught him and cradled his dying body.

"No Kenny please I love you!" she said as she began to cry

He slowly muttered something.

"What?"

"I said I'm not dead yet"

"Well good! I don't want you to die! We need to get you an ambulance!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"You don't get it"

"Get what?"

"Nevermind, listen to me Jess, you have to stab me! I promise I'll be ok"

"What?! No!"

"Do it!"

"But you'll die!"

"THAT'S THE POINT!" he yelled grabbing the knife and jabbing it into his chest once more.

"Goodbye babe, see you soon" he said collapsing to the ground. Jessica quickly checked his empty pulse and began to cry.

"No Kenny! Wait…see you soon what the fuck is that supposed to mean?!"

Kenny woke up in his bed like always. He ran into his closet and quickly changed into his super-hero outfit ready to catch Mr. Kim and rescue Jessica.

Mysterion ran out of the McCormick household and into the streets where he caught Mr. Kim walking down the sidewalk. He quickly and sneakily pick-pocketed his keys and ran back down to City Wok all without being caught.

He ran to the front of City Wok, un-locked the door, and let his girlfriend out.

"KENNY-uh I mean MYSTERION!" she yelled running up and throwing her arms around him.

"Sorry if I blew your cover" she smiled.

He smiled back and spoke in his raspy voice.

"It's fine…" he replied looking around. He stepped closer to Jessica still looking at all the citizens surprised they had not noticed their savior.

"How am I going to get home without blowing my cover?"

"Hmmm I got it!"

Jessica ran inside and grabbed a large paper bag and put it over the super-hero's face.

"Umm, won't this look kinda suspicious?"

"Your right"

Jessica took out a sharpie and drew a horse across the bag.

"There!"

She grabbed Kenny's hand and guide him back to his house. As they strolled along people began turning their heads and acting shocked.

"Oh my god"

"Can it be?"

"Is that really-"

"NO THIS IS NOT MYSTERION!" Jessica yelled.

"Sarah Jessica Parker?! Is that really her?"

"OH MY GOD IT IS HER!"  
"What?" Mysterion asked.

Swarms of crowds chased after the two mistaking Kenny as the hideous Sarah Jessica Parker.

"MISS PARKER I NEED YOUR AUTOGRAPH!"  
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE IN SOUTH PARK?"

"MISS PARKER WAIT!"

They finally ran back to the Mccormick's house and locked themselves in Kenny's room. Jessica looked out of his window while her boyfriend changed back into his orange parka.

"Holy shit there's like 20,000 people out there"

"Really?"

Suddenly Stuart barged into his son's room.

"Kenny what the hell are 20,000 people doing outside of our house demanding to see Sarah Jessica Parker?!"

"I don't know!"

"Hold on!" Jessica shouted as she grabbed the City Wok bag and tossed it out the window. She watched the wind gently pick it up, and the crowd stupidly chasing after it.

"Well that got rid of them" Kenny sighed.

"Dammit we need that community service Kenny! We're running out of options!"

"I honestly don't give a shit Jess, I'm done with this"

"What?!"

"I'm not going to do community service anymore, I'm done"

"But didn't you hear what Mr. Mackey said?"

"Yeah, and I don't care. You can go ahead and do it without me"

"You know what, fine I will!" she said as she marched out of Kenny's house and back home.

Kenny watched the crowd continue to chase the paper bag with the horse drawn on it around the center of the street.

_What is it with people and horses?_

**Theres the end of chapter 5! Sorry for grammar errors or typos, I will update as son as possible! What will Jessica and Kenny do next? Aww who the hell really cares, no one is reading this so why bother :/**


	6. Socially Awkward

During the week, Jessica and Kenny began arriving to school on time more often. Kenny stopped flirting with teenage girls behind TGI Fridays before school and Jessica evened out her time to walk to school since her mother refused to drive. On Thursday Nica had exciting news about who her crush was. At recess Nica and Allison held a private discussion.

"Okay, I figured out that it is not Butters because I asked him at the hospital on Sunday and he said no, I don't think it would be Clyde but who really knows, it might be Kyle, Bradley, or Tweek. Who do you think?"

Allison stared down at the snow nervously tugging on her blue jacket.

"I think I told you this before but I have a crush on one of those guys you just mentioned."

"Really? Who?"

"Well…I like him, but I don't think he likes me back"

"Just tell me who it is"

Right before she was about to answer the bell rang and everyone headed back inside. Once everyone was back in Mr. Garrison had a new project assigned to the class.

"Alright class, today I am going to assign you all a project which will involve groups of 4"

Everyone groaned.

"You and your group will be doing a research project on the retarded theory of the evolution of man and create a slideshow presentation as well. This project is due on Monday"

Bebe raised her hand.

"Yes Bebe?"

"Can we pick groups?"

"No I assigned everyone a group already!"

Everyone groaned again.

"Here is the list; Group 1- Red, Craig, Heidi, and Timmy

Group 2- Token, Lola, Stan, and Milly

Group 3- Nica, Clyde, Jessica, and Tweek

Group 4- Eric, Kenny, Nicole, and Wendy

Group 5- Kyle, Bradley, Allison, and Bebe

" , where's Butters?" Nicole asked.

"He's in the hospital" Nica answered

"Oh my gosh what happened?"

"Loft accident"

"Alright everyone please arrange your seats into your groups and discuss the subject.

Allison nervously scooted her seat toward Bebe, Bradley and Kyle. She hated group projects. She never found the guts to speak up and share good ideas because of her extreme shyness. Kids at Lafayette Elementary never included her in group projects, she always felt like her presence was invisible. She knew she had to face facts, she could never ask her crush out, for she was a socially awkward loser.

"Ok so we should split the project up. Bradley you can research the beginning process of evolution, Kyle, you gather information on how we became ape things, and Allison you learn about how we are normal human beings today." Bebe ordered.

"Then what are you going to do?" Bradley asked.

"Yeah your just organizing the entire thing you have to help to!" Kyle added.

"Ok fine! I'll do the entire thing geez!"

"We need to split the work load evenly" Bradley stated. "I can research the beginning of evolution like you said, Kyle can work on how we went from reptiles to apes, she can work on humans today and how evolution has reflected our society, and Bebe can work on our slideshow and do a little bit of research from each group"

"Agreed" Kyle nodded.

"Fine!" Bebe scoffed tossing her frizzy golden blonde hair.

Bradley looked at Allison.

"What's your name?"

The awkward girl blushed.

"She's Allison, she gets kinda shy sometimes but she's not an asshole or anything" Kyle said before Allison could reply.

She smiled sweetly at the jew for accepting her, knowing she was not invisible like usual.

After school the three girls met at Nica's locker.

"I can't believe we have math homework and that dumbass assignment!" Jessica complained.

"Yeah, Mr. Garrison sucks!" Nica added as a folded piece of paper fell out from her locker. Allison picked it up and opened it.

"What's that?" Nica asked.

She slowly handed the note to her.

"Its…its for you"

"Nica took the note and read it aloud.

_Nica,_

_Meet me at the flagpole Friday after school_

_ 3_

**There is chapter 6! Who does Allison have a crush on, who is Nica's admirer, and what community service task will Kenny and Jessica do next?! Sorry for typos and grammar errors **


	7. Creek

It was Friday after school and Nica, Stan, Kyle, Butters (who returned from the hospital with a bandage around his foot), Cartman, and Allison waited by the flagpole.

"Can we please hurry this up!" Cartman complained, "You guys are wasting my Friday!"

"Who said you had to wait with us, you can go home, eat a bunch of cheesy poofs and gain 30 pounds like you do every day", Kyle said not acknowledging the fat fuck.

"Fine! He's not gonna show up anyway! Only Mexicans can date other Mexicans!"

Nica flipped Cartman off as he walked away. She sighed.

"What if he doesn't show up, what if the whole thing is some dumbass prank"

Just then Tweek walked by and joined everyone at the flagpole.

"Hey Tweek" they greeted.

"Oh…hi- GAH!"

Tweek stood there shaking and looking nervously at Nica.

"Can I help you?" she asked.

"Did you get my note? Oh jesus- GAH! I SAID TOO MUCH! OH GOD!"

"Tweek?! You like me!"

"Well yeah I guess so, why wouldn't I- GAH!"

"That's awesome, 'cause well so do I"

"That's w-wonderful- GAH!"

"But what about all those awkward disturbing fanfictions of you and Craig?" Allison asked.

"WHAT?!"

Nica pulled out her phone and showed Tweek a Creek (Craig x Tweek) slash.

"OH JESUS! OH GOD! WHO WOULD WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THIS- GAAAH! I DON'T EVEN LIKE CRAIG! HOW DO PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT US! GAH! I'M NOT GAY!"

"Have you seen the fanfictions people write about me and Kyle?" Stan asked.

Kyle looked at his friend surprised.

"Dude, people write slashes about us?!"

"Well sure they do!" Butters commented. "There's a lot of stories on that website about me and Kenny! I guess ever since we went to Hawaii together people think were gay…wait is that good?"

"There's even a Kyle and Cartman pairing called Kyman" Allison pointed out.

"WHAT?! WHO THE FUCK WOULD WRITE SOMETHING LIKE THAT?! HOW DO PEOPLE EVEN KNOW ABOUT US IT'S LIKE WE HAVE OUR OWN TELEVISION SHOW ON COMEDY CENTRAL AND WERE CONSTANTLY BEING FOLLOWED BY CAMERAS OR SOMETHING!" Kyle yelled.

"I wonder why nobody has ever written fucked up stories about us?" Nica wondered.

"Do you want them too?!" Allison asked.

"Good point!"

"So…will you –GAH…will you go –GAH…will you-"

"Of course I'll go out with you! Even though I had a boyfriend back in California, I'll date you!"

"I was actually wondering if you wanted to get a smoothie or something"

"Oh that works too" Nica blushed as she and Tweek walked side by side downtown.

Just as Allison caught sight of her mom's car and was about to leave school she felt a hand on her shoulder. She quickly turned around to see Kyle.

"Don't forget our project is due Monday, so you need to do some research this weekend.

Yeah, I'll remember she said as she happily climbed into her mom's car and left South park Elementary to start a nice long weekend.

**Story is almost done! Sorry for typos and grammar errors this was kind of a rushed chapter.**


	8. Evolution is Bullcrap

Jessica woke up early in the morning and sprinted her way to school. She was eager to finally turn in her slip and be done with community service forever! She had to rake leaves in the park for three hours, pick up litter by the freeway, and massage fat people at the community center. She hated wasting her weekends, but at last she would be free! Kenny on the other hand did not bother to complete his task which resulted in Mr. Makey murdering him with Stan and Kyle there to say, "Oh my god, they killed Kenny!" "You bastards!".

Jessica ran to Principal Victoria's office to turn in her community service on time.

"I DID IT PRINCIPAL VICTORIA!" she shouted slamming the piece of paper on her desk.

Principal Victoria carefully examined her work and put it away inside her drawer.

"So no more community service, right?!"

"Oh yes your off the hook"

"Yes!" she cheered cheerfully skipping out of her office.

"You just need to attend Saturday school for the rest of the school year"

Jessica stopped and turned around in horror. She awkwardly chuckled.

"Ha ha good one Victoria! Ha, well if you don't mind I'll be on my way to class!"

"No Jessica, starting this Saturday you will be attending Saturday school"

"_WHAT?"_

"Oh I'm sure you'll enjoy it! You get to study, and do extra homework, and read, and study, and write reports, and study some more"

Jessica dramatically clasped to the ground. She looked up toward the ceiling with her arms stretching out.

"_FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-"_

Meanwhile in Mr. Garrison's classroom, the students presented their reports on evolution.

"In the beginning, the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep, as a giant cloud of gas and dust collapsed to form our solar system. The planets were forged as the nebula spun, jolted into motion by a nearby supernova, and in the center, the most rapid compression of particles ignited to become our sun. Around 4.5 billion years ago, a molten earth began to cool. Violent collisions with comets and asteroids brought the fluid of life – water – and the clouds and oceans began to take shape. It wasn't until a billion years later that the first life was brought forth, filling the atmosphere with oxygen. Over the next few billion years, single-celled organisms fused and became multicellular; body plans diversified and radiated, exploding into an array of invertebrates. Yet all this abundance and life was restricted to the seas, and a vast and bountiful land sat unused", Bradley read aloud, pointing at the evolution chart on the power point.

Kyle stepped up to the front of the class and read out loud, "Around 530 million years ago, there is evidence that centipede-like animals began to explore the world above water. Somewhere around 430 million years ago, plants and colonized the bare earth, creating a land rich in food and resources, while fish evolved from ancestral vertebrates in the sea. It was another 30 million years before those prehistoric fish crawled out of the water and began the evolutionary lineage we sit atop today. Life on Earth originated and then evolved from a universal common ancestor approximately 3.8 billion years ago. Repeated speciation and the divergence of life can be inferred from shared sets of biochemical and morphological traits, or by shared DNA sequences. These homologous traits and sequences are more similar among species that share a more recent common ancestor, and can be used to reconstruct evolutionary histories, using both existing species and the fossil record. Existing patterns of biodiversity have been shaped both by speciation and by extinction. This explains how we slowly evolved from dinosaurs, to apes, to everyday people. "

Allison walked up to conclude the presentation, "Scientists continue to study various aspects of evolution by forming and testing hypotheses, constructing scientific theories, using observational data, and performing experiments in both the field and the laboratory. Biologists agree that descent with modification is one of the most reliably established facts in science. Discoveries in evolutionary biology have made a significant impact not just within the traditional branches of biology, but also in other academic disciplines and on society at large".

The class applauded as the four took their seats.

"I can't believe that worked. We got away with copying Wikipedia" Bradley whispered.

"Plagiarism kicks ass" Kyle agreed.

"Wasn't I incredible guys?" Bebe boasted.

"No you weren't! You did no research on this stupid ass project! All you did was create the powerpoint" Kyle snapped.

"But it took a long time"

"It was just cartoon of sea animals, dinosaurs and monkeys. You weren't trying that hard Bebe"

"I still love your ass"

"What?!"

"Nothing"

"Kyle, Allison, Bebe, Bradley..uh how should I put this...Your performance sucked Justin Beiber's balls"

"Oh shit were busted!" Kyle stammered.

Allison raised her hand.

"Uh Mr. Garrison, Justin Beiber doesn't have balls"

"Oh yeah thank you for reminding me he's a lesbo"

"But he and Selena aren't dating"

"Than he's just a Canadian"

"But he looks American"  
"Would you stop being a smart ass and shut the hell up!"

"Dude, that was hilarious!" Kyle laughed.

"I don't think I've talked this much in class before"

"Yeah, why are you always so quiet anyway?"

"I don't know, I guess I don't have that much to say is all"  
"I think you have a lot to say. Your really shy, but I think your -"

"Aye! Stop hittin on the shy girl you stupid jew! She's a dick!" Cartman yelled.

Allison slumped down in her seat. Kyle put his hand on her shoulder.

"Don't call her a dick you piece of shit!"

"Would everyone shut the hell up?! Nica, Clyde, Jessica, and Tweek your up"

The kids got up to the front of the class. Nica was the first to talk.

"In the beginning we were fish. And one day a retard baby was born and it was different so it got to live. And then retard baby goes on to make more retard baby fish. And then it crawled out of the water with it's mutant fish hands." Clyde pulled out his paper and read aloud,

" The retarded mutant fish with hands screwed a fish squirrel which screwed a monkey and made monkey fish frogs." Jessica explained the rest,

"So monkey fish frog has buttsex with another monkey, which screwed another monkey, and that made us"

"In conclusion- GAH! Evolution is a load of bullcrap! Oh jeusus! Gah! Too much pressure!" Tweek yelled as he ran back to his seat. Mr. Garrison jumped up on his desk and clapped aloud, tears filling his eyes.

"Marvelous! Outstanding! Clearly someone's been paying attention! A+!"

"Did you hear that Jess? We got an A+!" Nica cheered.

"Doesn't matter, I stil have fucking Saturday school"

"Dude that sucks ass!"

The bell rand as everyone ran outside to recess.

"Oh Kyle, your hand is still on my shoulder" Allison said nervously.

"Oh jeez I'm sorry!" Kyle said quickly getting up.

"Hey Kyle?"

The jew turned around.

"Thanks for sticking up for me." She said tugging at her scarf.

"Oh sure thing"

Allison quickly kissed Kyle on the cheek and ran outside not daring to look back.

**So there's the end of my fic and I hav no audience yay! :D All of the information from the evolution reports was copied from Wikipedia and other sources.**


End file.
